After All These Years:
A Genderqueer Tale of Flirting as Thirty Year Old Adolescent
Perhaps this will be a chapter in a future anthology titled The Transgender/Genderqueer Guide to Adolescence for All Ages- or something like that. The language keeps growing. Certainly there needs to be an official go-to for such information rather than the mish-mash of information one collects from the internet, trans/gq peers, and our own personal experience. It is not easy to come out as genderqueer, neutroise, agender, transgender, or anything outside of society’s expectations around gender. Even harder still is figuring out what place one has within that society that has made little to no room for you despite your existence.
What I write here comes from the perspective of someone who was socialized as a straight woman and later a straight fat woman. In my late 20s, I heard the language “gender neutral” as an option for gender identity for the first time from a sexologist leading a workshop. Over the next five years, the façade that I was a woman would slowly breakdown internally- the light of truth and the realization of fitting within my own skin a reality. By the time I was 32, I was free. Free to come out. Free to be me. Free to claim my role in the world.
Anyone who has experienced transition will tell you- it is a lifelong process. There’s the realization of who you are. Then there’s the figuring out how to tell folks who you are (if they don’t already know). There’s the figuring out what the world is like now that you know who you are.
….finding your place…
…learning new rules or ways…
…navigating folks preconceived notions of who you are…
…grieving loss of friends and family…
…dealing with transphobia…
…dealing with violence and/or threats of violence…
…getting care that is appropriate to your needs…
The list goes on for a while. I figured out during my second year in seminary that saying I was genderqueer was not enough. I needed to get my life and body in line with who I am on the inside. So, I came out to friends and family, requested gender neutral pronouns (ghe/gher), and changed my name to conform more with who I am as a person. It wasn’t easy. What I really didn’t expect, however, was how the rules would change- particularly around flirting and dating- or how my new found adolescence would impact it.
See, when you reach the moment where you can be in the world with others as fully yourself, if you didn’t get to be the gender you are during your first puberty- you get a second puberty of sorts- particularly if (though that is only one factor) you are taking hormones. Nothing could have prepared me for puberty at the age of 32. One piece of advice that many trans mentors give you is not to date or be involved with people the first year. Hahahaha!!!!
It is wise advice. It is hard to do.
I was on very low-dose testosterone and suddenly the world was alive sexually. The experiences of teenage cisboys that I had known suddenly made sense. Sex was on my mind constantly (I have no problem believing the ‘think about sex every 7 minutes’ thing). One of my transparents one day asked me if I was beginning to notice certain parts of the body more. I instantly turned red, embarrassed by this new reality. “Yes, the world suddenly seems made out of breasts!” Thankfully, he chuckled and said this was normal. “It will fade and get easier.” And it did, thank goodness.
So, suddenly I had all of the desire of a 13 year old. As I began to get more comfortable in my own skin- more authentic, comfortable and present- people began to notice. I’m pansexual and attracted to all kinds of people, but all of my socialization in the years leading up to this had been as a woman dating only straight men. I only knew how to act as a fat straight-acting woman, never as a fat pansexual genderqueer person. This would land me in a world of trouble.
I didn’t figure out what happened until years later. One of the many things that helped me piece things together came from a chapter by Bear Bergman in the Fat Studies Reader. In it, he talks about the difference between being perceived as a fat woman and fat man. People perceived as fat women, he noted were often policed heavily by society. They are often treated as not sexual or worthy of attraction. I personally remember a stranger shouting “go on Jenny Craig” as they bicycled by. As a fat woman, I had learned that I could flirt playfully and no one would take me seriously. I had zero expectation that anyone would take me seriously. I found people who were comfortable with fat women online, but I did not expect to meet such folks in everyday life.
As Bergman notes, the same does not apply for people perceived as fat men. There are terms that might connote that you are fat like being called “boss,” but even these phrases maintain power. More interestingly, people perceived as fat men are still expected to be sexual. I found it much easier to find clothes in my size in the “men’s” section of department stores than the “women’s.”
What I noticed was that suddenly, I was no longer invisible. The playful flirting that I could engage with before was immediately taken seriously. What’s even more awkward is that I wouldn’t realize these until at least three years after the fact. The result? I hurt a lot of people and didn’t even know it. When I did realize it, the shame was so overpowering that I shut down for years. I didn’t flirt, express interest, or otherwise try to connect with someone for purposes of a romantic or sexual relationship.
In the end, I would be single for 13 years. I wish I had figured it out sooner and not lost so much time. There was no one who warned me about this or gave suggestions on it. Every trans support group I went to was focused on folks more comfortable in the binary. “This is what you do if you are a transman.” I wasn’t a transman- so what was I supposed to do?
Some examples of how I messed up? There are four people of note and, interestingly, they came from four fairly different communities. I think they represent some unique ways that adolescence and cultural norm confusion can play out.
Playful Flirting
The first was a cisgender man who I deeply respected. I perceived them as gay though they weren’t. I had learned as a fat woman to flirt playfully with gay men- that was a no risk fun way to be in the world. I only did this with friends.
So, I flirted with this man. One day he asks me whether I wanted to do anything about it. I must admit I was shocked- this was not a familiar response. I was in no way ready. I hadn’t been out that long. Also, I had no self-esteem and felt like I had the relational skills of a 13 year old. So, I said no and tried to laugh it off. That friendship was lost that day and I didn’t understand why at the time.
Flirting In Gay Community
I flirted with another gay man going so far as to even kiss him. Again, my brain could not seem to connect that anyone would take this seriously. I had ZERO understanding of how gay culture worked or that this might be seen as leading him along. In some gay communities, this would have been a clear invitation to sex. All I had known was flirtation as a girl.
The first time he called me a tease, I thought he was joking. The second time he said it with such seriousness that I knew he meant it. I was completely horrified and ashamed and confused. I didn’t understand at all what I had done. I did understand that I had disrespected my friend. I had no words, so I said nothing. Perhaps the worst thing I could have done.
The Junior High Lie
After that, I met a woman who I really liked. Brilliant, funny, a sci-fi geek. One day, my roommate asked me if I was attracted to her. In the classic response of middle schoolers everywhere, I lied and said no. I was embarrassed, uncertain, and didn’t want to admit it to my roommate. Much like in middle school, this was an attempt by the person I was attracted to find out if I liked them. She never really wanted to talk to me after that.
That I was behaving with all of the skill of a tween or teenager was confusing and frustrating. Some of us have the experience of the teenager who finds that one person to be hot and heavy with and explore all the things. Some of us have the experience of being risk-takers and experimenting with lots of people in lots of ways. Some of us, like myself, are the shy geeky kid who is too embarassed to say what they want or need and so nothing really happens. The word that came to mind then was feeling “bashful.” Even today, I’m still bashful.
Realizing that silence and misdirection was not helping, we come to my fourth encounter.
Infatuation with the Wrong Person
After this, I knew I couldn’t just keep it in. I met a person who lit my mind and heart on fire. I enjoyed spending time with them. We each had our own demons to deal with and while we had a lot in common- they were just not interested in me. The intensity of our friendship gave me the bravery to tell them I liked them. Looking back, I could have known that they didn’t feel the same. Yet, this was the first time I let myself feel infatuation.
So, I found myself in a situation that many face in adolescence or young adult years for which I had no skill or experience. I was heart-broken and the emotional intensity of all of it terrified me. There was really no one in my life that could say, “Hey, it happens. Here are some ways you can deal with it.” Gratefully, I did have supportive friends who would just listen and let me have my feelings.
After this experience, life’s energy had to go to other pressing needs. That was fine with me as I really didn’t understand what was happening. It would take eight years to suss it all out and find the bravery to put myself back out there again. The time was necessary, if not lonely and difficult at times.
A Note On Those I Missed
Then there are the ones that I am sure I obliviously hurt. Due to this lack of awareness and experience, I am sure are those that I engaged with this behavior who never spoke up or said a word. That is perhaps the hardest to live with. The regret that I feel for this time in my life is great. The road to self-forgiveness- to patience and love for myself was no small thing. And it is ongoing.
Adolescence In Your Thirties
There is no right or wrong way to be an adolescent. The experiences there in are as varied as there are people. We do not have a society prepared for thirty or forty or sixty year old teenagers. I wish I could have known just how hard all of this would be. No therapist was prepared to help me understand the genderqueer aspects of these relationships. I had therapists who helped me figure out my own shame and the trauma. They helped me be strong in myself after the fact.
What I wish for? That people who are in community with transgender and genderqueer folks understand that there is a developmental curve for folks who are coming out post teenage years. It is on the trans/gq person to figure this stuff out, but none of us grow in isolation. We need our communities. An aware person coming out in aware communities of support can mean the world of difference.
Ten years since I came out publicly and what I can say is that it gets easier. I still bumble around in my relationships, but I have found folks who are willing to hear that I have little experience and help me figure it out. I might have jumped into this sooner if I had known a few things:
Surviving adolescence was hard- even horrifying- the first time when nothing quite matched. The second time was more meaningful. It can feel right. AND- it’s hard as hell. Love thyself. Be patient with thyself. Find people who will support you as you are. You are enough. You are magnificent. You can do this!
What I write here comes from the perspective of someone who was socialized as a straight woman and later a straight fat woman. In my late 20s, I heard the language “gender neutral” as an option for gender identity for the first time from a sexologist leading a workshop. Over the next five years, the façade that I was a woman would slowly breakdown internally- the light of truth and the realization of fitting within my own skin a reality. By the time I was 32, I was free. Free to come out. Free to be me. Free to claim my role in the world.
Anyone who has experienced transition will tell you- it is a lifelong process. There’s the realization of who you are. Then there’s the figuring out how to tell folks who you are (if they don’t already know). There’s the figuring out what the world is like now that you know who you are.
….finding your place…
…learning new rules or ways…
…navigating folks preconceived notions of who you are…
…grieving loss of friends and family…
…dealing with transphobia…
…dealing with violence and/or threats of violence…
…getting care that is appropriate to your needs…
The list goes on for a while. I figured out during my second year in seminary that saying I was genderqueer was not enough. I needed to get my life and body in line with who I am on the inside. So, I came out to friends and family, requested gender neutral pronouns (ghe/gher), and changed my name to conform more with who I am as a person. It wasn’t easy. What I really didn’t expect, however, was how the rules would change- particularly around flirting and dating- or how my new found adolescence would impact it.
See, when you reach the moment where you can be in the world with others as fully yourself, if you didn’t get to be the gender you are during your first puberty- you get a second puberty of sorts- particularly if (though that is only one factor) you are taking hormones. Nothing could have prepared me for puberty at the age of 32. One piece of advice that many trans mentors give you is not to date or be involved with people the first year. Hahahaha!!!!
It is wise advice. It is hard to do.
I was on very low-dose testosterone and suddenly the world was alive sexually. The experiences of teenage cisboys that I had known suddenly made sense. Sex was on my mind constantly (I have no problem believing the ‘think about sex every 7 minutes’ thing). One of my transparents one day asked me if I was beginning to notice certain parts of the body more. I instantly turned red, embarrassed by this new reality. “Yes, the world suddenly seems made out of breasts!” Thankfully, he chuckled and said this was normal. “It will fade and get easier.” And it did, thank goodness.
So, suddenly I had all of the desire of a 13 year old. As I began to get more comfortable in my own skin- more authentic, comfortable and present- people began to notice. I’m pansexual and attracted to all kinds of people, but all of my socialization in the years leading up to this had been as a woman dating only straight men. I only knew how to act as a fat straight-acting woman, never as a fat pansexual genderqueer person. This would land me in a world of trouble.
I didn’t figure out what happened until years later. One of the many things that helped me piece things together came from a chapter by Bear Bergman in the Fat Studies Reader. In it, he talks about the difference between being perceived as a fat woman and fat man. People perceived as fat women, he noted were often policed heavily by society. They are often treated as not sexual or worthy of attraction. I personally remember a stranger shouting “go on Jenny Craig” as they bicycled by. As a fat woman, I had learned that I could flirt playfully and no one would take me seriously. I had zero expectation that anyone would take me seriously. I found people who were comfortable with fat women online, but I did not expect to meet such folks in everyday life.
As Bergman notes, the same does not apply for people perceived as fat men. There are terms that might connote that you are fat like being called “boss,” but even these phrases maintain power. More interestingly, people perceived as fat men are still expected to be sexual. I found it much easier to find clothes in my size in the “men’s” section of department stores than the “women’s.”
What I noticed was that suddenly, I was no longer invisible. The playful flirting that I could engage with before was immediately taken seriously. What’s even more awkward is that I wouldn’t realize these until at least three years after the fact. The result? I hurt a lot of people and didn’t even know it. When I did realize it, the shame was so overpowering that I shut down for years. I didn’t flirt, express interest, or otherwise try to connect with someone for purposes of a romantic or sexual relationship.
In the end, I would be single for 13 years. I wish I had figured it out sooner and not lost so much time. There was no one who warned me about this or gave suggestions on it. Every trans support group I went to was focused on folks more comfortable in the binary. “This is what you do if you are a transman.” I wasn’t a transman- so what was I supposed to do?
Some examples of how I messed up? There are four people of note and, interestingly, they came from four fairly different communities. I think they represent some unique ways that adolescence and cultural norm confusion can play out.
Playful Flirting
The first was a cisgender man who I deeply respected. I perceived them as gay though they weren’t. I had learned as a fat woman to flirt playfully with gay men- that was a no risk fun way to be in the world. I only did this with friends.
So, I flirted with this man. One day he asks me whether I wanted to do anything about it. I must admit I was shocked- this was not a familiar response. I was in no way ready. I hadn’t been out that long. Also, I had no self-esteem and felt like I had the relational skills of a 13 year old. So, I said no and tried to laugh it off. That friendship was lost that day and I didn’t understand why at the time.
Flirting In Gay Community
I flirted with another gay man going so far as to even kiss him. Again, my brain could not seem to connect that anyone would take this seriously. I had ZERO understanding of how gay culture worked or that this might be seen as leading him along. In some gay communities, this would have been a clear invitation to sex. All I had known was flirtation as a girl.
The first time he called me a tease, I thought he was joking. The second time he said it with such seriousness that I knew he meant it. I was completely horrified and ashamed and confused. I didn’t understand at all what I had done. I did understand that I had disrespected my friend. I had no words, so I said nothing. Perhaps the worst thing I could have done.
The Junior High Lie
After that, I met a woman who I really liked. Brilliant, funny, a sci-fi geek. One day, my roommate asked me if I was attracted to her. In the classic response of middle schoolers everywhere, I lied and said no. I was embarrassed, uncertain, and didn’t want to admit it to my roommate. Much like in middle school, this was an attempt by the person I was attracted to find out if I liked them. She never really wanted to talk to me after that.
That I was behaving with all of the skill of a tween or teenager was confusing and frustrating. Some of us have the experience of the teenager who finds that one person to be hot and heavy with and explore all the things. Some of us have the experience of being risk-takers and experimenting with lots of people in lots of ways. Some of us, like myself, are the shy geeky kid who is too embarassed to say what they want or need and so nothing really happens. The word that came to mind then was feeling “bashful.” Even today, I’m still bashful.
Realizing that silence and misdirection was not helping, we come to my fourth encounter.
Infatuation with the Wrong Person
After this, I knew I couldn’t just keep it in. I met a person who lit my mind and heart on fire. I enjoyed spending time with them. We each had our own demons to deal with and while we had a lot in common- they were just not interested in me. The intensity of our friendship gave me the bravery to tell them I liked them. Looking back, I could have known that they didn’t feel the same. Yet, this was the first time I let myself feel infatuation.
So, I found myself in a situation that many face in adolescence or young adult years for which I had no skill or experience. I was heart-broken and the emotional intensity of all of it terrified me. There was really no one in my life that could say, “Hey, it happens. Here are some ways you can deal with it.” Gratefully, I did have supportive friends who would just listen and let me have my feelings.
After this experience, life’s energy had to go to other pressing needs. That was fine with me as I really didn’t understand what was happening. It would take eight years to suss it all out and find the bravery to put myself back out there again. The time was necessary, if not lonely and difficult at times.
A Note On Those I Missed
Then there are the ones that I am sure I obliviously hurt. Due to this lack of awareness and experience, I am sure are those that I engaged with this behavior who never spoke up or said a word. That is perhaps the hardest to live with. The regret that I feel for this time in my life is great. The road to self-forgiveness- to patience and love for myself was no small thing. And it is ongoing.
Adolescence In Your Thirties
There is no right or wrong way to be an adolescent. The experiences there in are as varied as there are people. We do not have a society prepared for thirty or forty or sixty year old teenagers. I wish I could have known just how hard all of this would be. No therapist was prepared to help me understand the genderqueer aspects of these relationships. I had therapists who helped me figure out my own shame and the trauma. They helped me be strong in myself after the fact.
What I wish for? That people who are in community with transgender and genderqueer folks understand that there is a developmental curve for folks who are coming out post teenage years. It is on the trans/gq person to figure this stuff out, but none of us grow in isolation. We need our communities. An aware person coming out in aware communities of support can mean the world of difference.
Ten years since I came out publicly and what I can say is that it gets easier. I still bumble around in my relationships, but I have found folks who are willing to hear that I have little experience and help me figure it out. I might have jumped into this sooner if I had known a few things:
- Be conscientious about the fact that the rules will change and you will need to pay attention to how you relate to folks in all kinds of ways.
- Lack of experience and skill are normal and healthy. Let yourself learn. Let your friends, potential relationships, and current relationships know that you are learning.
- You will make mistakes in relationships. That’s ok. Apologize. Stay present. Try again.
- Take the time you need. Whether you need 1 or 10 years- take the time you need. When you are ready it will be more than worth it.
- When you first get to be you- your emotions will be intense. Be aware of that.
- If you take hormones, certain emotions will become stronger. Often anger with testosterone and sadness with estrogen (though I'm sure experiences vary). If you can, get the support you need to navigate your new feelings and experiences.
- I reserve the right to add to or change this list at anytime because it is all a process and more learning comes to you over time.
Surviving adolescence was hard- even horrifying- the first time when nothing quite matched. The second time was more meaningful. It can feel right. AND- it’s hard as hell. Love thyself. Be patient with thyself. Find people who will support you as you are. You are enough. You are magnificent. You can do this!
